It’s Not What I Had Planned

October 12, 2018

As much as I would love to say that I have given God full control of my life and have completely surrendered all things to the One who knows every inch of me and the desires of my heart, I can’t. Writing that out makes me cringe because I know better. I know the goodness of Our Father and that He isn’t usually a Dad of quick solutions. Quick solutions would only turn into situations that play into our ego, allowing us to believe we had everything to do with our own growth and completely take away from the miracles He’s working every second of the day. No, He’s not into quick solutions. He’s a Dad of process. And the process isn’t always easy, it rarely is. As a believer, I know that it ‘will be worth it,’ yet I’ve been dying to get out of it. Can I admit that I sometimes really dislike the pruning? Like, an extreme dislike.  It’s painful. Gut wrenching. Slow. Uncomfortable. And it rarely makes sense… until you’re through it.

These past couple of months have been months I didn’t see coming. Things happened quickly, like a punch to the stomach but the pain still lingers. It was a hard punch(es) because I’m still feeling some of the pain. And it’s been a constant reminder of the life I had planned that is now a distant memory.

It was a life full of amazing details. The details where you feel every little thing, in the best possible way. Like walking on the beach, feeling the breeze blow through your hair and the sand between your toes with a gorgeous sunset on the horizon. Almost perfect. Yet it didn’t need to be. I was ok with it being comfortable. People would be kind, words wouldn’t hurt, when someone said they will do something, they would. It sounds so simple and I loved this version of my life. I think I loved it so much because I was writing it. I could edit the chapters I didn’t like and add in new ones full of bright and full memories. If we are being honest, I think we all would like to have a say in how our life plays out. Death wouldn’t exist. Relationships wouldn’t be broken. Sickness wouldn’t even be in our vocabulary. Golden retriever puppies would be everywhere. Ok, maybe that last one is just me. Regardless, we want to know the outcome. I say I trust God, but do I really? If I’m honest, I feel like my life has been hijacked by unpredictability and sheer disappointment.

Disappointment in things not working out how they were supposed to. Disappointed because things should be better than they are. Gosh, I hate feeling disappointed and I hate disappointing people even more.

But,  through the disappointment, I have hope. And I am learning to choose to see disappointment through the eyes of my Father instead of the lies from Satan. I am choosing to trust God’s heart instead of listening to the devil tell me that things will never get better. Because they will get better.

I am learning that as I experience the punches to my stomach I can still experience the celebrations of life. I am learning that I can feel the punches yet still feel joy and trust that I am going to be okay. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

I am learning to give myself grace to feel every emotion but to not stay stuck in my sorrows. Rather, I am choosing to leap into the laughter each day brings. Because I know I am going to be okay.

I am learning that the true Author of my life has a much better idea of how things should pan out for me than I do. And I’m learning that my hope doesn’t have to be tied to certain outcomes of my life. If I can trust to put my hope in a Father who truly wants good things for my life, I can live well today. This very moment. As I am typing this, I can live better. And once I shift my thoughts to a Heavenly perspective, I can breathe a little better and start to feel the punches a little less.

We aren’t meant to have it all figured out. We aren’t meant to have it all planned out. Space for growth and the unpredictability of life allows for God to fill the gaps in ways that only He can; with supernatural strength, endurance and new levels of trust.

I can say with full confidence that even through life’s disappointments, I know it’s God’s way of leading me closer to Him.  I can also say with full confidence that even when life is unpredictable, I don’t need God to fix it because I know He is making something new, something better than I imagined myself  and that is something I will celebrate. I would much rather have His way, through all the punches this broken world throws at me, than the life I had planned for myself. I know if I want God’s promises for my life, I need to trust His process.

With Grace and Love,

Kristen

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