This post is one I have been looking forward to writing for quite some time. It’s a topic that is close to my heart and something I strongly believe every woman needs to hear. Not only have I been through some rough breakups and dealing with boys instead of men, but I have see my own girl friends go through this time and time again. Whether you’re in a season of singleness or dating, keep reading sweet girl.
Let’s get down to it. I hear this line ALL the time, “I need to be content with who I am before God sends me my husband.” Ok, no. Let’s address the content part first. I believe the church has failed us as women if we believe this. We are taught that if we desire marriage, we should be in a place of contentment in our singleness and that will glorify God enough so that He can then bless us with a husband. Ok, another big no. Are you sensing my tone of ridiculousness on this yet? Do you know what happens when these words come out of our mouths and even worse, we start to believe it? We walk around as liars. And let me be the first to tell you, I am guilty of being a liar. I have heard this statement given to me as advice time and time again and I have believed it. It wasn’t until recently that God has shattered every ounce of that belief and breathed new truth into my heart. His job was to chisel away at what has been engrained in me and my job was to change my perspective that led to my changed heart that has led me to this blog post.
Let me explain more about why this mindset is dangerous. What happens when your heart is content and your husband doesn’t come? You put a lot of your energy into becoming a content woman! Where is he? Spoiler alert, this is what will happen…You will become angry at God. You will demand answers from Him. You will expect Him to come through, as if He owes you that. Well, He hasn’t come through. So, you settle. You put aside the fact that you are the daughter of a King. In fact, lets take a second and remind each other right now of how Jesus feels about us. Jesus, who shed His blood on Calvary for YOU, calls YOU His darling. He calls YOU His bride. Even more truth, His beloved. If you are looking for Ryan Gosling to come sweep you off your feet, you’re missing out on the greatest love story of all time. And no, it’s not The Notebook. You have a King, fighting for you, loving you fiercely and unconditionally. A King who died the most gruesome and humiliating of deaths and then rose from the grave to get your attention. His name is Jesus and He is alive. If marriage is on your heart, (GOOD, He made you that way) wait for the man who knows God so deeply that his love for you reflects God’s love for you; reminding yourself that as humans, we will fail each other every single day but a man who wants to serve God will want to serve you and he will humble himself daily to do so, just as you will for him.
So, sweet girl, please do not settle. It is more than ok to desire marriage if that is what He has put on your heart. Instead of worrying about your heart being content before the right one comes along, pray more words about the season you’re in than you speak and allow Him to come in and do what only He can. Instead of worrying about your heart being content before the right one comes along, spend so much time getting to know Jesus that you become a God fearing woman; a woman who knows God so much that she knows the difference between a man that flatters her and a man who compliments her. A man who spends money on her and a man who invests in her. A man who views her as property and a man who views her properly. A man who lusts after her and a man who loves her. A man who believes he is God’s gift to women and a man who remembers a woman was God’s gift to man (Genesis 2:18).
I mentioned it briefly above but I need to reiterate: please, do not settle. When we desire to meet someone so much and it hasn’t happened when we think it should, we begin to accept things we normally wouldn’t stand for. I am going to be extremely blunt… the man that you marry is going to have extreme influence on not only your own heart, but the sons and daughters you raise. If you want your children to love Jesus deeply, please hold out for a godly man. Right now you may be asking where these men are? Well, they are rare. But they are out there. And I believe strongly the church is raising up strong Godly men, not just pretty Christian boys. If you are dating, ask yourself if the man you are with is a man that you want your sons to grow up to be? Is he a man that you would want your daughter to look up to, so that she knows what to expect from a man? If not, I encourage you to pray about that relationship. If you’re single, trust me, it is better to be lonely now than to be married and lonely later.
Ladies, I absolutely believe that wherever you are in life right now is where God wants you. However, the God I serve does not want you to stay in a place where you settle and become comfortable. He cannot move mountains through you if you are stuck. He wants to do radical things in your life but you cannot stay put. We are not here to wait on a move of God, we are a move of God. If he hasn’t come yet, I hear your pain. Trust me, I see you and I am with you. If you need someone to talk through your singleness or dating life with, I would love to hear from you.
I want to encourage you to keep fighting the good fight for His kingdom. God has three answers: Yes, No, or I have something better in mind. If he slams a door on a relationship, He is protecting you. If He slams another door, He has a plan for you to fulfill that you can only do if you’re single. If He slams yet another door, He wants to work on your heart so when the right one does come along, you are well equipped. And because I am already being blunt, God does not owe us any answers as to why He does what He does. Because of our arrogance and pride, we think He does. Well, He doesn’t. God is awesome because He’s God. Our job is to be obedient to Him.
Hear me on this-God loves His daughters. He loves us so much that His heart breaks when we are hurting. He is pained when His sons hurt us and He is always there to hear our cries. If you’re hurting right now, I encourage you to be with your pain. A friend of mine gave me the best advice when I had a broken heart. She said, “Kristen, be present and sit in the pain and disappointment for a bit. I like to say, ‘be in the basement.’ I will hang out with you in the basement and help you process this. Then, when you are ready, you will come up the basement steps and move on.” Ok… chills. What a sweet friend and such a good reminder that suffering is not a bad thing. In fact, Jesus reminds us that suffering is going to happen (John 16:33).
If I would choose to numb the pain, it would never allow me to get to the source of the real issue to bring me to a stronger, healthier version of myself. Numbing the pain only silences our screams for help. If you’re hurting, do not avoid it. The hurt will only create a void in your sweet heart and it won’t give God room to replace our flesh with His strength. We must feel the pain to heal the pain.
Now, everything I have just said does not allow us girls off the hook. If you desire to be married, God will not just plop him on your lap when you’re watching The Bachelor on Monday nights (that would be weird). Because we want Godly men, we need to be in places where God is alive and well. Go serve at your church, travel with your church on a mission trip, get involved where you know there are likeminded people. I often hear people saying, “I am waiting for God to send me the right person.” Let me put it this way, you don’t wait for God to make you breakfast. You get up in the morning, have some coffee and make your food.
Another spoiler alert for you… here it goes… there is not a perfect “one.” If you’re searching for the “one” there is no such thing. In reality, there are a lot of people on this earth, over 7 billion people. That makes your odds very high in finding more than one person that is compatible with you. Here is the kicker: We want someone we can go to war with. We want a partner that is on the battlefield with us. The point of our lives has absolutely nothing to do with us. The point of our lives is to point everything to Him. Whatever we do in life, God wants the glory. This life we are living, everything we touch, is His. Finding a partner who is chasing after Jesus, willing to go to war for His kingdom, is someone you can marry. So, if you’re looking for the perfect match, stop now. The greatest love is not two people worried about finding the perfect match. The greatest love is two people making a choice to be a match. Rest in the truth that the man whose heart is embedded in Christ knows how to love you as Christ loves His church and he will be the one for you when you walk down the aisle towards him.
If you’re single, enjoy this season! Plan trips with girl friends, laugh until your stomach hurts, go on a hike, take a cooking class. Whatever you do, enjoy it and embrace it. Do not rush it. If you’re dating or married (like all of my friends- trust me, there are days I stay off social media), love each other as He loves you. Practice grace, serve together, build a ministry so strong together that you destroy the enemy with your love.
Wherever you are, my sweet sisters, know your worth. Your heart is the only one of it’s kind and you need to protect it. Trust in His plan that He will make all things beautiful in His timing, not ours (Ecclesiastes 3:11). Practice giving our men grace as we know they will fail us, reminding ourselves that we are also in desperate need of grace. And please, please know that God does not want us to look to others for what only He can provide. He loves you deeply, He sees you and He will provide for you.
With Grace and Love,